The 2014 Season Is Almost Here! by Ric Barbera
Welcome to August, 2014. August? You mean it’s almost fall? Why does it seem like twelve minutes ago I was out drinking on New Year’s Eve? Time seemed to travel much slower when I was in school. I hated school which could have something to do with it. The words, “Back To School” triggered abject depression within me from ages nine to eighteen. Then something changed. At age eighteen I chose to attend the University of Southern California. This was over two hundred years ago when the late Larry Smith was coaching and we won three games my freshman year. Todd (insert drug of the moment reference here) Marinovich had headed to the pros the spring before and the only reason to go the Coliseum was to socialize, drink, wonder how all these beautiful women were located in one place at one time, drink, enjoy the band and put off studying.
There are a lot more reasons to attend the games now. We’ll go over some of them quickly since if you’re on this site you probably pay better attention to the team than I do, you loser. Then you can read my predictions for all of the regular season games the Trojans play.
Here are the top five reasons to go to the games or watch the Trojans this year. By the way these are in order and I made this list so it is important and cannot be altered or argued over. Unless you really want to in which case please reply to this thread or find us on Facebook or Twitter.
5. New offense operating mostly out of the shotgun and moving really really fast. This ain’t your Dad’s USC offense anymore and it promises to dizzy the fans with first downs and touchdowns or very efficient, frustrating three and outs like in a video game.
4. New yet similar defensive scheme to last year where we looked incredible at times (Stanford, Oregon State) and inept (UCLA, Arizona State). We have some returning and newly healthy studs anchoring this unit so I’m hopeful they’ll own some folks with consistent aggression.
3. Those baseless NCAA sanctions are over! This is something to share and celebrate with friends and the television viewing audience by creating thoroughly obscene placards and banners decrying the NCAA since they are the ones responsible for UCLA winning the last two games in the series as well as shooting down Flight MH17.
2. The Spirit of Troy Marching Band under the direction of Dr. Arthur C. Bartner who looks like a leather pirate wearing a mask of Dr. Arthur C. Bartner.
1. AND THIS!
Most USC girls really look like this. I don’t ask why.
Fresno State on August 30th. We played them in the Deep Purple Royal With Cheese Bowl (not the actual name) at the end of 2013. We beat them 45-20. They lost their QB and other starters. We didn’t. Look for Sark to hang triple digits on them. If this game is NOT snooze inducing then USC is in danger of being the crappiest team in the conference and you should not watch anymore Trojan football games for the rest of the season.
Stanford on Sept. 6th. Their coaching is really quite good, their players are intelligent and their QB is solid. I like that we play them early and should have healthy bodies to throw at them. We did beat them last year and they do have some reloading to do defensively so this will test Sark on the road, but I am thinking USC can come away with a nice victory. Little known false fact: the hottest girl at Stanford, ever, did not actually attend. It was the actress Justin Timberlake woke up to in The Social Network who only pretended to go there.
Boston College on the 13th of September. They were able to score a single touchdown on us last year and this year we have to go to their church to play. My soft spot for the Eagles stems from a successful field goal kick in 1993 that prevented Notre Dame from getting a national championship. For my game prediction please read the last sentence of my Fresno State breakdown.
The Beavers of Oregon State on September 27th. We will be coming off a bye week. The Saturday prior I will watch the SEC unapologetically feast on their yearly intake of creampuffs and wonder what purpose that serves while I make jokes about the south out loud to no one in particular. Regarding OSU: Coach Mike Riley is either the most charismatic gentleman in the game, a vampire with magical powers or the faculty at Oregon State is staffed by inbred administrators with no desire to ever possess a winning football team. We came away with a big road win up in Oregon last year. This is a home game and Sark should have our boys prepared. There should be some defensive highlights during this one.
The Sun Devils on October 4th. ASU scored at will on us last year. Our defense was not ready. Our offense was schizophrenic and it resulted in some weird termination ceremony for Coach Kiffin in a women’s restroom at LAX. I think this ASU coaching staff and their kids are on the verge of being a breakout team and I do not want that! Glad this game is not in Arizona. If we go into this game undefeated I think our confidence will carry us to a victory. I am anxious to see if we finally can start doing damage on special teams. Wouldn’t that be something?
Arizona Wildcats on October 11th. Just my opinion, but Rich Rodriguez seems to run his programs similar to that of Lane Kiffin. You need to walk on eggshells and you can’t expect consistency in the win column. USC should use this as a chance to show off their defense and on offense give Buck Allen a 200 yard day.
Colorado on October 18th. Oh yeah, they joined the Pac12. They legalized weed there. Colorado is a very pretty state and in three years may have a good football team. Not this year. Look for USC to try out a trick play and dive deep into their roster to keep guys healthy.
Utah on October 25th. Road game. It’s hard to win up there, but USC can do it. Utah has had a lot of turnover on their assistant coaching staff over the last few years so the kids don’t know who to trust. It may be snowy and cold so our guys will get to send Twitter and Instagram pix making snow angels on the field after Buck Allen has a 300 yard performance.
Washington State on November 1st. Road game to hell. My guess is that there will be 14 Trojan fans attending this game. Those 14 will see us win. Mike Leach will be seen getting a post-loss dinner at the local Taco Bell. Don’t believe me? Here is an actual quote from Mike Leach regarding Taco Bell, “Over the years, I have eaten at a number of Taco Bell’s and they are all very similar yet I am excited to eat [at] the new one here in Pullman! Believe it or not, my order always includes the original bean burrito and the original taco, and then I will venture out on another item or two…”
The Berkeley Bears on November 13th. USC is coming off another bye week to start an important three week run. If we start off with a 28-0 score by the second quarter look for our reserves to come in and our number ones to get a little extra rest before the two biggest games of the season. They have a coffee roasting company in Berkeley that only delivers their coffee on bicycles. It’s an environmentally conscious operation mixed with typical Berkeley hipster douche spray. On a weekend trip to the bay area I bought some of this coffee to frustrate myself. It was some of the best I have ever had. What I’m trying to say is that Cal sucks and UCLA swallows.
Bruin game. November 22 in the Rose Bowl. I just have a feeling someone will injure Hundley early in the season and he will be out of this game or not 100%. As far as USC: Justin Wilcox was left some nice players by Clancy and Old Man Diaper. Hope he teaches them to eat mobile quarterbacks for lunch. Our offensive line will be coached all season by a guy who was with the 49ers last year. On paper a dude like this knows how to coach big men to block and create time and space. Would love to shut Mora up with a big win. Either way, as a USC fan it is our duty not to engage in pointless banter and trash talk with UCLA fans. There is after all no dignity in making fun of the handicapped.
The Fighting Irish of Notre Dame, Inc. on November 29th. They have beaten us two years in a row. I was at the game last year and we were conservative and boring on offense. I hated it. We actually could have won, but didn’t have the stones. I think this game will look a lot like the games where we handled them during the Pete Carroll era. I shouldn’t say that because it’s a rivalry game and people get weird and superstitious about that, but we have the tools to punish this team and Sark could cement a legacy as an Irish killer. November seems so far away.
Which brings me to my original point: August? It’s already August? The worst time of year for a college football fan because the games haven’t started yet. Also the best time of year because the games haven’t started yet and anything can happen. I stand by all my above predictions. Dream big. Fight On. Ric